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Beauty has nothing to do with standards set by others
Zoey Xinyi Gong left Shanghai alone at sixteen. Today she practises Chinese medicine food therapy and says beauty has nothing to do with anyone
Text: Irène Schäppi
Photo: Courtesy of Elay Neal Moses
ELAY NEAL MOSES
At sixteen, Elay Neal Moses spent a lot of time on Tumblr, reblogging photos of male models he couldn’t quite decide whether he wanted to look like or wanted to date. Today he’s a photographer and director, co-founder of the magazine AkutMag, and by his own account a sensitive observer who’s actually quite funny once he’s warmed up.
Dossier
Irène
In which moments do you feel beautiful without having to perform or control anything?
Elay
I believe that even if confidence is supposed to come from within, there is almost nothing more beautiful than an unexpected compliment. Whether from my boyfriend or from a stranger on the street. It is particularly beautiful in moments when nothing is expected, and it simply arises from genuine kindness, whether it concerns my outfit or my appearance.
Irène
How has your view of beauty shifted throughout your life, and what has shaped that shift?
Elay
Earlier, I looked around far more often and thought: if only I had XYZ too. For a long time, I did not appreciate how I look, and that this, precisely, is part of what makes me the person I am. We do not see ourselves the way others see us; most of the time, we only have our own critical gaze.
With age, that has disappeared. At some point, you stop falling into that toxic pattern and invest the time instead in learning to love yourself. Sport has helped me enormously to build confidence.
And I do not hold it against myself for having gone through that insecure phase. When you spend your time at 16 on Tumblr reblogging male models, how are you supposed to stay completely relaxed? As a gay man, there is the additional question: do I want to be like him, or do I want him? The line between the two is sometimes quite blurred.
Irène
When does beauty become work for you, and how do you negotiate that demand with yourself?
Elay
When you are chasing ideals that are laborious and unrealistic to reach, that is work. My relationship to sport is good because I go when I feel like it and have the time. It is no longer a must but a want. At some point the perspective shifts: it should be enjoyable.
Irène
How do you experience the effort behind body care and self-improvement?
Elay
Actually, it’s quite rewarding. It feels good to take care of yourself. In your twenties, you often just drift along: you drink, you smoke, and somehow everything still functions. Then as you approach thirty, you suddenly notice something has changed. The first wrinkles arrive, the drinks linger longer.
I also want to live a long and healthy life. Priorities shift, and you want to prove something to yourself, especially because so many people say things go downhill with age. I want things to go uphill for me.
The only stress sometimes comes from having to work through all the offers without being taken for a ride. Finding your way in that jungle of promises is quite exhausting.
Irène
At what point does care turn into control, from your point of view?
Elay
I am a Taurus, supposedly quite the hedonist. I notice that in myself too. There were rarely moments when I felt, “Now you are going too far.” Sometimes I even wished I had a bit more discipline. Yet, I still reached my goals. And had I been too strict with myself, I would have taken away the lightness and fun, and probably fallen back into old routines more quickly. Slow and steady wins the race. In the end, you simply have to be kind to yourself.
There are many moments like that you look back on and simply think: ah! We shall see whether I will continue to think the same way in the future.
Irène
Which current developments in beauty, wellness or longevity feel strengthening, which feel burdensome?
Elay
Strengthening is everything that is natural and requires no major interventions. I am currently trying red light therapy for redness and eczema, a scientifically researched method that feels uncomplicated. I also believe in regular sauna visits, long walks, a normal moisturiser and plenty of water. All the things that simply make sense.
Burdensome is the whole high-protein trend. I often cannot see clearly what is actually good and what is in these products, because every brand suddenly jumps on the bandwagon. Having to play detective as a consumer is annoying.
Irène
How do social media, selfies and filters influence your self-image?
Elay
As a teenager, I was a bundle of insecurity, self-doubt and the constant desire to improve myself. I wanted to be taller, stronger, cooler. I compared myself to everyone I encountered. That was not a pleasant time. Sometimes I wish my current self could have given my past self a little of that love.
Today, I am much more secure. But I would be lying if I said everything leaves me cold. I would still love to be 180 cm or taller. And sometimes, I see someone who seems to lead the perfect life and think briefly: damn, what am I actually doing wrong? Then I remind myself that I might be exactly that person for someone else.
What I find almost funniest: I love it when things are not perfect. Edges, quirks, something a little odd. That makes people and things interesting. Why should I not love that in myself too? Somehow quite paradoxical.
Social media sometimes makes me feel worse than I am. There is always something more beautiful, bigger, better. In those moments, I come back to what I truly have: love, freedom, health. That is not at all a given.
“Beauty means confidence to me. It comes from deep within and radiates outward.”
Irène
What does it stir in you when you see people visibly ageing?
Elay
I love it. There is almost nothing more beautiful in life than being allowed to grow old. We need to change our perspective – it is not a given to grow older. It is almost a privilege.
I understand, of course, that one can feel thirty inside while being eighty and sometimes wish to be young and fit again. That is precisely why we should, while we are young, simply enjoy ourselves. And there are two older gentlemen at my gym whose bodies and fitness are genuinely incredible. I marvel every time I see them. Absolute role models.
Irène
If beauty were less tied to appearance, which qualities would come forward instead?
Elay
The way someone treats other people. Character traits, values, moral convictions. We all know that one person who is very attractive on the outside but actually quite disappointing. And yet we let ourselves be drawn in.
Beauty rules the world, no matter how aware we are. In the end, we are a little like magpies, drawn to everything that glitters. Beauty brings attention, jobs, followers. That keeps us all on the hamster wheel because nobody really gets off. To truly exit, you need a resolute drop-out mentality, and a social environment that supports it.
Irène
What would you want from a magazine that takes beauty seriously?
Elay
Perhaps the topic of ugliness. We conceal it remarkably often. What actually makes someone ugly? What do we find ugly in ourselves? Ugliness sometimes seems almost like the illegitimate daughter driven out of the village. A more open discourse about it would benefit the topic of beauty.
I also want fewer paradoxical signals. When I read in one issue about how beautiful ageing can be, and three pages later see an advertisement for an anti-ageing cream, that does not work for me. I miss a clear stance, a genuine position. I understand that media need funding. But these paradoxes are increasing. Much of it feels like a copy of a copy. I sometimes miss the courage to be original.
Irène
What does beauty and wellbeing mean to you today?
Elay
Beauty can be my boyfriend’s heartfelt laugh, the way water glistens in the sun during lunchtime hours, but it can also mean muscles to some, a hairy chest to others. I think it’s in everything, but it shouldn’t be defined by anyone for anyone.
Whereas wellbeing, to me, means what it’s already saying: being well. Taking care of yourself. And that can be a piece of cake on a bad day, but also a healthy protein-rich salad after a workout. Today it means a lot, and I think it’s something totally able to be shaped and changed, as long as you narrate it yourself and don’t let it be directed by someone else.
There are topics where I sometimes wonder whether I could one day be that person for someone else. But that requires an enormous amount of courage. And you have to stand there with your own face – that is precisely what makes it so difficult.
This interview is part of the Super Flattering Index, an ongoing exploration of beauty today.
