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Beauty has nothing to do with standards set by others
Zoey Xinyi Gong left Shanghai alone at sixteen. Today she practises Chinese medicine food therapy and says beauty has nothing to do with anyone
Text: Rashunda Tramble
Illustration: Mugio
You may think that by carrying your loved one’s load you’re doing a good deed. But the 10 of Wands says “drop it”.
If you’re reading this, there’s a strong chance that you’re the type of person who is in a constant, intense-but-joyful state of self-improvement. And because of that, you’ve grown. And because of that, you’ve become stronger. And because of that, you’re on speed dial for every single person in your friend circle when they have a problem. This would be fine if your friend circle consisted of 5 people. But yours has 20.
And let’s not talk about your family shifting their problems on you as well. The issue is that the more progress you make, the more others dump their stuff on you. They see how well you’re doing, but instead of using you as an example of how to live a better life, they see your growing capacity as an invitation to take advantage of your strength.
You make yourself available because of your intense love and “can-do” spirit, but how much can you really take on?
Sometimes carrying someone else’s burden feels like love. But taking on what isn’t ours can leave less room for our own growth — and theirs.
The 10 of Wands is our tarot card for September. This card often shows a person walking across a landscape carrying a huge bundle of sticks. They’re bent over, a sign of the enormous weight they’re carrying alone. Does this sound like you? If it does, keep reading. If not, still keep reading. The following may come in handy.
In my book, The Numinous Tarot Guide: A New Way to Read the Cards, I share how the 10 of Wands can be a clear signal that you’re literally taking on too much. I also talk about how you may be carrying other people’s thoughts, ideas, and responsibilities. This month, the most important item on your to-do list is one thing: drop those wands. Here’s why.
We’re in the middle of global, evolutionary change. We can either tap into that energy and use it for deep, sometimes uncomfortable, self-analysis and, yes, change. Or we can become fearful and leave the difficult inner work to someone else by taking advantage of their strength.
If you allow yourself to be used as a spiritual beast of burden, like that person bent over on the 10 of Wands card, two things will happen: you won’t have time or energy for your own work; and you will take away another person’s chance to do the same for themselves.
Here’s an example. You have a friend who constantly overspends and is completely broke by the middle of the month. She asks you for loans quite a bit, which you know she’ll never return. She could take the time to analyse her spending habits to see if they’re connected to something deeper. But by constantly bailing her out, you’re actually taking on the responsibility of superficially “solving” her money issues for her every month. Of course you love her and don’t want to abandon her in her time of need, but you’re adding yet another wand to that bundle you’re carrying around. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you.
Strength is not the same as endless capacity.
In most cases, we discover a lot about ourselves by going through our difficulties instead of around them. And in most cases, we’re surprised by how much we’ve learned when we come out on the other side. But when we avoid difficulty by handing off responsibility to someone else, we lose the chance to learn and grow.
Take a couple of minutes and think about the tricky situations you’re involved in. Think of them as the bundle that person on the 10 of Wands is carrying. How many of those wands are yours? How many of the situations you’re in have a direct impact on your life? Now think about how many have absolutely nothing to do with you, but for some reason you’ve been tasked with solving them. Which list is longer? If it’s the latter, hand those situations back to the people responsible for them. And do it with love.
For September, the 10 of Wands says, “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to stop handling other people’s stuff.” You can’t help your loved ones by carrying their load all the time. Yes, sometimes you can. But perhaps the greatest way to show love is to let them learn how to handle their own issues. This is how they grow and become strong.
Just like you did.
